Because "it is just that progressive.": John Podesta’s Unified Hope Theory

I guess I was wrong.  I thought homicide bombing Jihadists trying to immanentizing the eschaton were the number 1 threat to national security.  Thanks John Podesta.:

“John Podesta’s Unified Hope Theory” by JE Tabler

Many folks have been wondering of late why on earth Obama’s national defense review failed to mention Islam, jihad, or the threat of a nuclear Iran and focused instead on ManBearPig. Those folks are small thinkers who merely need to heed the advice of one John Podesta, a sage man whose writings explain it all. Thank Gaia his brilliant scholarship so obviously informs the policies on which our very safety depends.

John Podesta’s Unified Hope Theory allows all of the fundamental political forces (money, demographics, power, etc.) between all of the things from which we desperately need government to save us to be written in terms of a single hope. By “hope,” I refer, of course, to a belief which will certainly be proven true one day if you’re not too ignorant to “get it” and if we just keep throwing money at biased programs which serve to confirm these hopes. Podesta’s Theory is the mother of all hopes. Our future is so dependent upon this hope, in fact, that the fact that it was crafted in 2007 and serves to inform major policy decisions for 2011 is irrelevant because it is just that progressive.

But Unified Hope Theory’s crown jewel is almost too delicious to be true, which must be why it seems so implausible. ManBearPig really is a national security issue, or at least it will be one day, inshallah. Our greatest national security threat in 2050 will be ManBearPig-induced jihad. No, really.


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